Only THREE weeks until I step out onto a stage with several other girls, and show off this bod I've been busting my ass for. I'm excited.. and mostly terrified. I don't necessarily have stage fright.. I was drama kid. I live for that shit. I know, I will still have a ways to go in developing my body to be competitive, but that fact that I will be able to even walk amungst the other women.. I will have won. I will have finally accomplished something I've always dreamed about. And its terrifying.
I'm sure that seems completely ass backwards. But I feel, the fear of success is much greater than the fear of failure. Its soooo easy just to give up. To live in contentment. Sometimes, to have to give every bit and piece of yourself to something, even when you don't think you have anymore to give, is intimidating. Terrifying. But honestly, the things that seem so far out of reach, are the most rewarding. I didn't think I was going get through my sooner than expected career change.. but thanks to postive thoughts and supporting people, I'm kicking ass. I never in my life thought I would get my ass into a size EIGHT pair of jeans.. and I did comfortably last week... and they will probably big too big in three weeks! And it feels GREAT. I thought about giving up so many times, just thinking of the things I would be giving up, possibly loosing, to achieve my goals. But it's not worth it. The things I'm giving up will be there when I'm done and if things are lost, well.. I didn't need that anyway. The rewards of succeeding are worth much more than feeling of failure. As my wonderful boyfriend said once during an intense game of 10,000.. "You got to risk it to get the biscuit."...... Bahahahaa!!
As a lot of you know, I have also been "bigger." From a young age, I was always teased and got made fun of because of my weight. I eventually got tired of that shit and fought back, but it didn't make it hurt any less. As I got older, I got told, "Aw, you have such a pretty face." Uh... Wtf? Thank you, buuuut what exactly does that mean? Lol. Well.. I just used all of that. Every word. Every judgement to fuel my fire. Don't ever let another persons words and judgement bring you down. Use it to motivate you. PROVE THEM WRONG. I fully believe the best revenge is proving someone wrong and being the best you can possibly be.
The biggest thing that has kept me going is all the support I get from everyone. It's UNBELIEVABLE the amount of support I have. So many kind words and hugs from people I didn't even think paid any attention to my life.. THANK YOU. To everyone. My family, friends, clients.. My team. And everyone in between. You HAVE to surround yourself with positive and uplifting people and ignore everyone else. You can do it alone, but trust me. It makes a world of difference.
Lastly.. I did this.. For ME. And my health. I didn't do anything of this for attention. To strut across some stage almost naked. I set this goal for myself only. Competitions are not for everyone. And who says you have to do a show to be healthy? No one. I just like to do it big. Go big or go home!!! Haha. I could give a rats ass what anyone thinks about me anymore. What I look like. I know that the people that love me, love me for me. But if I can love and be loved while being the healthiest I can be, I would much rather do that. I'll be able to do that longer than most. I am doing a show, and will probably do more, because I like to be challenged. I like to do things that people say are impossible. And as crazy it it gets, I love every minute of this process.
I probably won't post anything else until after the show. But there will be before and after pics at some point... I love you all. Thank you so so so so much for all of you love and support. Couldn't do this without any of you.
